Saturday, October 21, 2006

I'M MEANT TO BE FAT!!!!!!
I swear I am!
3 Days I've Tried. THREE!
THREE DAYS IN A ROW I'VE CAVED.
I'VE EATEN SO MUCH EVERY NIGHT.
I can go the whole day perfectly.
Its at night, I have nothing to do, and I get so hungry.
I stood at my refrigerator, with cookie dough in my hand, and just started crying, because I'm so weak against eating. I ate so much food. I hate myself
RACHEL YOU ARE FUCKING FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL BE FAT AND GROTESQUE YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
fuck.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Yesterday was my first ever attempt at a low form of fasting. I tried to restrict myself from as many calories as I possibly could.

That morning, I went on a search engine and typed in for information about Anorexia. I found several ProAna websites, along with a few ProMia websites. I didn’t go on the ProMia websites, because I just don’t think I could handle that extremity. Maybe if Ana doesn’t work, I will resort to Mia.

Back to yesterdays attempt at a fast.

I did pretty well throughout the day. I wrote everything down in my Thinspiration book, that I ate, and/or drank. And I must say, I have been drinking diet coke for pretty much 8-9 years, and I never knew what a gift from God it was until yesterday. That bubbly, filling up feeling you get from one can of Diet Coke, is amazing when you are trying to fast. It supposidly has 0-2 calories, so I split it down the middle and just write "1" for the # of calories when I recorded it in my Thinspiration log.

This is what it looked like until 3 pm.



F.R.U. ===> 70

1 Diet Coke => 1

71cals.

F.R.U. ===> 70

141cals

1 Diet Coke => 1

142cals

Bite Of Frosting=> 30cals

172

½ Freezer Pop(sugar free)=> 10

182cals

1 Diet Coke => 1

183cals




I did really good for myself, except I hated that I took that bite of frosting, but it was my first day, I couldn’t really have a firm grip on my self control. But still, 183cals, was pretty good, for me. Since I normally consume well over 1,500cals a day when I get home from school. And that is where I met my downfall yesterday. When I got home from school. I was starving, and hadn’t yet learned to appreciate the feeling of hunger. And so I remembered what I’d read that morning from the ProAna sites, `If you must eat bad food, chew it, but don’t swallow it, spit it back out into a bin.` So that’s what I did. I first started chewing Aldi’s Cheese It’s, from a box I still had in my room, I stood over my trash, chewed the food, making careful sure that I didn’t swallow anything, and spit the chewed up food into the garbage. It was great! It satisfied my craving and yet, I didn’t even eat anything! So after a few handfuls of chewing the Cheese It’s, I went downstairs and chewed up a chocolate chip cookie, another amazing experience of eating-but-not-really a craving. And then I chewed up two Peanut Butter Nutty Bars. Again, Chewing - Not eating. I felt on top of the world! And the best part, my mom would never know because she was not home, and would think I’m still eating the food.

I tried to occupy myself from food, snapping the rubberband on my wrist as I thought about eating that whole bag of cookies in the cupboard, and I went back up to my room and took a nap.

When I woke up, is when I lost control on my first fast.

I couldnt stand the hunger I felt and I went downstairs.

I finished that bag of cookies, and I ate almost a whole box of Cheese Its.

When I finished, I was DISGUSTED with myself.

I scolded myself for so long, and couldn’t believe that I’d caved so easily. I told myself I was weak. And I was. I vowed tomorrow I wouldn’t even sniff the Cheese It’s box. I didn’t deserve to.

I didn’t eat the rest of that night, and it felt better not to. I was so close to purging after eating what I did, but like I said, Im just not ready for that.

Today though I have done much better. So far, (as it is 3:10pm) I have consumed, 132cals.
In homeroom at school, our HR teacher was handing out mini-sized bags of M&Ms as a ‘pre-Halloween" treat. I took a bag politely, and then I remembered I was trying to be good, and I asked my teacher if she still had the bag the M&M packages came in, and she, ever so nicely, digged through the trash can and found the bag. It had 180cals per package. No Way was I going to eat those M&Ms. Which normally would have been devoured before I took my seat. I was so proud of my self control. I toyed with eating only half the bag, that way it being only 90cals. My friends urged me to just eat half the bag. (They know I’m ‘counting calories’ they have no real idea what I’m doing, its none of their business) I toyed all the way to 3rd period whether to eat that half a bag. My boyfriend, who tells me I’m beautiful all the time, (though he is LYING through his teeth) insisted he stand there while I eat the whole bag. (He is a fast catcher on, and knows that me suddenly so worried about calories, means somethings up.) Thankfully the bell rang and he had to dash to his classroom, I went into my class, found the first available garbage can, and chucked those evil M&Ms into it.

I felt SO good with my self restraint. It was tempting at first, the smell of chocolate. But I promised I would reward myself with a good work-out later tonight for restraining against that bag of candy.

During Gym, we did Yoga, and at first, with my friends, I was unenthusiastic. (Remember, I’m just learning to love working out, and not eating everything in sight) But then I remembered, that I’d ate 71 calories earlier, and started getting into the yoga, and by the end of class, I was sure I had burned off those calories easy. Then I had lunch right after. (How Gross!) I found every available chance to keep my legs moving, burning calories that are stored in my body. Then while my friends were in line, I sat at our table with my can of diet coke, and my new book from English class. Starting to feel a bit hungry, I chugged the Diet Coke, and was full. I continued to read as they all sat down. On their trays, were taco/burrito things, salads glomped with thick white ranch dressing, pears, bagels, and minute maid. I laughed on the inside as they stuffed their faces. It was like you could see their stomachs grow, and I was repulsed at the same time as I watched them eat their food, the particles hanging off their lips and chins. (I’m not saying my friends are slobby, sloppy, gross eaters or anything, it’s just the way it looked to me) I was glad I’d finished my diet coke.

Then as the normal routine, we spent the last ½ hour of lunch walking around the hallways. I was glad, more calories were being burned! Then I re-filled my water bottle. (Water is a godsend when youre hungry, drink a lot really fast and you feel full!) And carried out the rest of my day without any temptations to eat.

9th period, Math. Was when I felt like I wanted to die.

I was sitting with my friend, my guy friend, and I made a comment about this really thin girl. She had a tan, but you could tell it was fake, because she looked brownish-orange. So I said to him, `look at her tan, she looks like a carrot!` And he points up and down her body and says, "She, is hot." and then looks at me and points up and down at me and says. "You are just...." and then he turned around and ignored me the rest of the period.

I was so hurt, I cried looking out the window, the whole period. It hurt so bad. I already know I’m fat, did he need to point it out? That spurred me so badly, I’m going to drop all this weight just to throw it in his face.

So now I’m home, and I had ½ a cup of Marshmallow and Stars cereal (dry) and was only 60cals! And I’ve got my diet coke and book ready to just relax, maybe take a nap. I’m going to see if I can stay under 200cals tonight. My absolute limit, is 250cals. And I’m not eating after 8 o’clock, and Im going to work out on the tredmill, and do some dancing using my hand weights for resistance.